In the previous post, I shared my thoughts on the “no reflex.” Autistic rigidity often comes in the form of an immediate NO! to anything new or unexpected.
From the outside, the no reflex can seem like an obvious source of problems. It locks the person into existing patterns, removing any possibility of change. But the no reflex is there for a good reason. Let me illustrate this with an analogy.
Imagine you’re in this truck:
Source: Wikipedia Commons image, creatively titled "Big Truck."
Driving is a nightmare. The roads weren’t designed with such trucks in mind, so you’re constantly wondering what will go wrong. Will you fit in that parking spot? Hit a curb? Run into a fire hydrant? Knock out some innocent civilian’s yard sign?
And even if you manage to avoid all that, what will it cost you? How exhausted and miserable will you feel by the end of the day?
Pretty tired, you might say. Pretty miserable.
I would agree.
All this is made worse by the fact that most of the people around you aren’t driving trucks. They’re in these tiny cars that can perform 19-point turns effortlessly, so they have no intuitive understanding of your struggles. When you falter at an intersection, they roll down their windows and shout, “Come on! Just turn already! What’s wrong with you?”
So what do you and your giant truck do? The logical solution is to avoid trouble. Stay on the highway, move straight, and don't turn. And if a random civilian shouts at you to turn left, you’d be perfectly justified in saying no.
Autistic people are truck drivers in a world of Mini Coopers. Change is harder when you’re autistic, so of course you’ll be inclined to do it less. Of course you’ll develop a no reflex. To others, you might seem stubborn or noncompliant. But given how hard turning is, that no reflex makes perfect sense.
The problem is that the less someone practices turning, the fewer chances they have to get better. Change becomes even harder, so they avoid it more, so it stays hard.
Besides, when you’re stuck on a highway in one direction and you don’t have the skills to change course, your life will be pretty narrow.
To summarize:
1. The no reflex makes sense in the context of a rigid thinker’s life.
2. The no reflex gets in the way of everything.
So what does it take to overcome the understandable NO!, to make the turn?
I want to flip that question by extending the analogy.
You’re back in your truck, and you’re coming up on an intersection. Two people, A and B, stand on either side of you. Grudgingly, you roll down your windows to hear what they have to say.
A: Turn left here! It’s not a big deal! Look, everyone else is doing it! It’ll be worth it, I promise.
B: Wow, that’s quite a truck. You must be exhausted. I’m really impressed you manage to drive that thing at all. Anyway, there’s this turn here, and I know it’s probably really tough, but there’s this great ice cream place around the corner that I think you’d love. Maybe it would be worth trying the turn? Can I do anything to help?
Which person do you find more compelling?
B, of course. B understands your perspective. They’ve pointed out what you’re doing well, and given a compelling reason for turning (ice cream!).
When I encounter a student’s no reflex, my goal is to channel Person B. It’s already hard for the student to turn. I don’t want to make it worse by dismissing their perspective or getting cross. Rather, I want to fully understand why the student’s no makes sense, and then I need to make sure that they understand that I understand. More on how to do that in the next post.
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